I received the news that I am no longer a cancer survivor. I am again a cancer fighter. Part of me just wants to keep it to myself and hope everybody finds out somehow. It is actually really stressful to simply utter the words of this diagnosis. I can’t even write it. Maybe because I am using text-to-type LOL.

I know people care, but the things that come out of their mouths are sometimes very interesting and/or inappropriate. For instance, someone said to me “You were doing so good!” As if I am controlling the gate of cancer to come in or not. People are also volunteering left or right “If you need anything, just call.” I don’t know what to say. What I need is for this to go away. Then there are the people that feel so uncomfortable and sincerely don’t want to offend me, so they avoid me, which is even more hurtful. No eye contact, no normal people conversation, nothing. I’m still a person. I still have kids that are needy. I still want to be loved.

Would you rather have a clean house or a tidy house? Is it realistically possible to have both?? I am not really a messy person. In fact, I am very organized – at work. At home, I have piles everywhere it seems. Since having kids, our kitchen table has been a dumping ground for (fill-in-the-blank). School papers, the mail, forms to fill out, and the list goes on. I don’t remember having this issue before kids – why is that? Piles begin to grow elsewhere, too. Clothes start gathering on floors, get tossed on the furniture (really, come on), and office boxes/files don’t fit in the filing cabinet anymore. So our house isn’t very tidy. But it is relatively clean! I know how to clean pretty well and don’t mind doing at least a little bit at a time. I have systems in my head of cleaning an area of the house each day of the week so the whole house will get attention in a week time. It’s when everything needs cleaning and you don’t know where to start that I can’t get motivated to begin.

A few weeks ago, we went to have lunch at a new friends house. They have kids our age and even have a slightly smaller house than ours. It. Was. Spotless. There were no piles. There was no clutter. They displayed collections in cabinets. They even had room on top of shelves for photo frames spaced out. I know it’s our turn to have them over next and I shouldn’t compare, but I don’t think our house will ever look like that. Yes, I know they are friends with us and hopefully wouldn’t judge us for what our house looks like. It is a daunting task to try and clean up these untidy messes. Again, in my head, I think I will tackle a pile a day. But I still get overwhelmed. Maybe I’ll just wipe down the sink again and the sparkle will shine so brightly you can’t see any clutter. Maybe that will work.

I saw somewhere on the Internet (so I know it’s true! 😉) that you can tell the condition of your general health by looking at the color of your tongue. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a weird colored/textured tongue. It has these divots down the center and is usually colored tan/light brown on the majority of what I can see, minus the outer edges. it basically looks like I just had a caramel-colored piece of candy that had sharp edges and cut up my tongue. Once upon a time when I just got married and was working at an elementary school, I remember talking about senses with the kids, and we all stuck out our tongues. The teacher and the student next to me saw my tongue, and then both looked at me like I had leprosy. I suppose it makes some sense now, consider considering all the health issues I’ve had.

Yesterday, I left work early and tackled some much-needed house cleaning. At one point when I was wiping down a bathroom, I stuck my tongue out and was surprised to see that it was perfectly pink! (And no, I didn’t have raspberry lemonade for lunch.) This gave me a confidence boost for the rest of the day that maybe I am doing something right, trying to take care of my body, addressing one concern at a time. Of course, it was back to the normal, discolored state this morning. Too bad I didn’t take a picture of it as proof. Oh well. As I’ve mentioned before, no bodies perfect. Cheers –  pink champagne, anyone?

Nobody’s perfect. No (SPACE) body’s perfect. Mine is far from it. I have been battling a nasty head cold for the past two weeks. Plus, I am still trying to get rid of some eyelid eczema that is rather troublesome. But those pale in comparison to what is fresh on my mind – another biopsy coming up. The same spot that I was worried about last year is now even more concerning. So I go through the motions of getting checked out again. This time, I know where to go and I know what to expect. I am actually not overly stressed about it until I share with a few select people what is going on. Then the negative thoughts start popping into my head. What if this is cancer again? I am so stinkin’ close to reaching my 5-year mark. I’m actually more upset about the fact that I would have to start over from zero than I am if I would have to go through treatment all over again. That being said, I would hope that just surgery would be the recommended course of treatment if it were malignant. But I really don’t think it is. Yet, still the thoughts run its course.

I’ve met others on this cancer journey that have gone back for treatment. They seem to be faring well, and I wish the best for them. What the general public may not understand is how I communicate, or not communicate, what is going on during this time. I don’t wish to display my full health journey out to everyone. But I have my daughter’s Scout leader begging for a female adult to chaperone an overnight event. How do I decline out of that without saying “Yea, I can’t because my side hurts because of a mass I’m concerned about and I don’t think sleeping in a tent would be a great idea.”? I’d rather not broadcast to the world every single detail.

Then there’s the waiting game. I was blessed to get an ultrasound the next day. But that’s just one test. Next comes a biopsy, and that will take a month to get in. So until then, pass the Kleenex.

I enjoy learning. I’ve been academically strong for most of my life. (I almost failed kindergarten because I wasn’t reading.) Now that I’m an adult, I’ve discovered games I can play (AKA Wordle) that challenge my mind so I keep mentally sharp. It’s important in my job to stay on top of what’s trending and learn any new updates. I absolutely love to read. They say reading is a great indicator of academic strength. In college, I didn’t even mind reading long informational chapters at a time for homework. As an adult, I really enjoy getting lost in a book. I often have multiple books partially read at any given moment.

Today, I learned something new – but it wasn’t anything that really interested me. I was bringing my car to different body shops to get estimates on getting fixed after an accident. I learned that my car has ‘automatic down’ windows only vs. ‘automatic up/down’ windows. Unfortunately, I am also learning the detailed process of what it means to have a totaled car. And that a clean title is a car without having been deemed salvaged vs. a rebuilt title is a car put back together again after the damage was more than the car is worth.

Is your head spinning yet? This new information definitely isn’t my cup of tea. However, I’ve learned that, even through going through difficult and/or complex situations, this new unwanted information may come in handy the next time it happens. Or helping a friend guide the same uncharted waters. If anything, I may now recall every time I roll down the window, “I have automatic down-only” windows.

It’s Spring Break week! I absolutely love to travel, I love planning travel, and I look forward to a break from work while spending time with my family making memories. When I was a kid, the only place we really went was to visit family six hours away several times a year. We’ve determined to make much better memories with our kids. So we’ve gone to a different place every year for the last few years and have a plan for the next few years as well.

Here’s my list of travel wins and regrets that I’ve compiled halfway through our week:

Win: LOTS of snacks

Regret: forgetting our breakfast food at home

Win: packing shoes for every occasion in our designated ‘Shoe Bag’

Regret: not considering the need for sunscreen, creating some very interesting burn lines after fishing for 2 hours. And then getting more sun

Win: finding a church to visit and having a great worship experience

Regret: losing a favorite Croc Jibbitz because someone did not follow directions and left his shoes on at a McDonald’s playland we will likely never visit again

This past weekend was Pi Day. (3.14) My kids did some STEM activities. It’s a neat day to celebrate.

Do you remember what was happening five years ago? Maybe not at first, but let me jog your memory: the world shut down. School was canceled, church was canceled, people worked from home, and life was just different overall. Personally, I had a double whammy. Friday the 13th in March 2020, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Stage 2B breast cancer. The ‘B’ designates that it was a large tumor. Life would never be the same.

As if navigating a new life-changing diagnosis was not enough, we also had to figure out how to do this with Covid restrictions in healthcare facilities. I am thankful that my husband was able to come with me to the first consult appointment with the oncologist. Doctors offices didn’t know how to handle Covid quite yet at that point. But by the time my first chemo was scheduled, so many new restrictions were in place. And we didn’t even understand how bad it could get. Normally, my husband doesn’t drop me off at the door (because I’m pretty capable of walking), but for some reason he did that day. I could see the entrance from the registration desk. He brought my water bottle in, was stopped at the door, gave my water bottle to staff, and walked out. I was so confused. Then I realized what was going on. My husband would no longer be with me at my appointments. When I met with the doctor, I pleaded my case. My awesome doctor went all the way up to the chain to petition on my behalf to allow us to be together for this appointment. He was still denied. So my husband and I both sat and cried, 100 yards apart from each other – one in an uncomfortable patient chair and the other in the parking lot. To make things exponentially worse, I had a severe allergic reaction to my first chemo treatment. 2 mL of that toxic fluid and I was done for. All of a sudden, four nurses were surrounding me and the doctor himself even made it back to the chemo chair. Curse you, cancer! This disease has no pity on anyone.

While those initial days are over, they are hard to forget. These anniversaries are definitely not worth celebrating. I don’t celebrate remission until I was marked clear from this evil mess, and I haven’t heard of any Covid Day parties. But I will take a slice of pie for any Pi Day bashes.

Kindness.

Kindness speaks volumes.

Kindness is sitting next to or talking to the person that nobody else does.

Kindness is doing something nice for someone without expecting anything back.

Kindness is assuming the best, even if it looks like the worst situation.

Kindness is free. Be kind.

I am reminded of how important kindness is when I’m on the losing end of it. In a work setting, I identified a problem and a solution to a group of people. (Because my mother always said that identifying a problem without a solution is called complaining – so true!) One person out of the group, who just happened to be in a leadership role, decided that my solution was trash and berated me for the whole group to witness. Something along the lines of ‘How dare you suggest that you create more work for others? What are you going to do about it?? This will not work in any shape or form!’, but much, much more extensive. Except this person did not completely understand my solution and assumed that I just wanted to make others work and not take any responsibility. Absolutely not the case. I could have been clearer of the group effort I would have liked to see take place. But no, after being humiliated, I simply hung my head and accepted the fact that my opinion did not matter in this case. I was low on the totem pole.

It’s not fair that people with power abuse their privileges. I make a special effort to show kindness to anyone I work with. Every single person has value. And needs to know how they are appreciated. Notice those are two separate sentences. We need to lift each other up in case we question ourselves.

We also try, try, and try some more to teach kindness at home. Unfortunately, our natural tendency is selfishness. Kids will fight and scream at each other all day long, but need to be told to be kind. My son’s first full sentence was “She pushed me!” I found one way to start: on the drive to school one day, I told each child to say something nice to each other. It was the quietest ride to school EVER!! Also one of the most disappointing. We have since practiced this more often and thankfully gotten a little better at showing kindness. I’d love to see you reply with your ideas of how to show kindness (click on this post from the Home page and scroll to the bottom).

I’m giving up squats and lunges. Huh?!? Today is Fat Tuesday. We feast, and then we focus on the season of Lent for the next 6 weeks. I typically don’t do a lot of ‘fasting,’ but this year, I’m aiming to enhance my personal time with God by not exercising. Let me explain. I spend a lot of time in the morning on personal care. Post-chemo/surgery, I went to PT/OT for 3 years to work on my shoulders, wrists, and knees/hips. Each round of therapy came with its own set of exercises to continue at home. I also love to exercise. Even when I was a teenager, I remember buying the Denise Austin VHS and the multi-colored step to go with it. Over the years, I’ve explored different exercise routines to figure out what works for me and how I can fit that into my day. My typical morning looks something like this:

6am: alarm goes off. Hit the snooze button several times unconsciously.

6:30am: husband gets out of the shower and reminds me it’s time to get up. Spend 5-10 minutes checking email and refreshing my Fitbit app.

6:40am: roll out of bed begrudgingly, do my wrist therapy exercises, make the bed

6:50am: get in the shower. Spend 20 minutes (washing &) trying to get all the knots out of my post-chemo hair

7:10am: turn the shower off and start my shoulder exercises to help my ROM (range of motion)

7:15am: spray/clean part of the shower. We have a beautifully tiled walk-in shower and I learned the hard way that if you aren’t diligent about cleaning it, it will take forever to clean once you get around to it. So I clean a little each day.

7:25am: 10 minutes of full-body ROM exercises, plus massaging my left arm where the lymph nodes were taken out to keep numbness at bay

7:35am: 5ish minutes of physical fitness plus stretching after. I’m proud of how flexible I am and don’t want to lose that (again)

7:40am: finish getting ready and race downstairs to swallow some supplements and pretend that’s a good breakfast.

Now let me tell you what happened 2 days ago. In the middle of the day, I was walking through my house about to go upstairs and my knee gave out. I could not put full weight on it and spent the rest of the day either limping from place to place or resting on the couch with my daughter’s hopefully-not-stretched-out-now knee brace. The first thing that popped in my head when this happened was a day in June 2020, a week before our family was leaving on our first of many annual vacations. I had already finished 9 rounds of Abraxane (a milder chemo) and had my first Red Devil chemo that week. That chemo sure earns its name. I was at work walking down a hallway and my hip gave out. The pain was so severe that I left work early in tears to go to the pharmacy and get heavy duty pain meds, in hopes that I could still go on vacation and not be confined to a wheelchair. Back to the present – so when my knee gave out, I knew I had to handle my body carefully.

All this to say, I need to stop prioritizing getting all my reps in if it means my body can’t handle it. This time can be better spent on daily devotions and trusting that my Healer will take care of me. So I’m taking a break from squats and lunges, getting up on time, and putting God at the beginning of my day. And in case you’re wondering – yes, I had donuts today for Fat Tuesday.

Rest. My brain can no longer comprehend that word. When my husband and I first got married, we both had weekend jobs to help make ends meet. Then kids came and we stopped working the insane hours, even though that had a transverse effect with the cost of daycare. After we finished having kids, the weekend hours started back up again. However, now we managed the 2nd job(s) with soccer games and other kid activities. We made it work (literally). As the kids get older, their interests get more expensive. I find myself thinking “How many hours can I squeeze in around (school/sport commitment/etc..) so I can pay the bills this month?”

Sunday used to be a protected day. I look forward to watching football on Sunday afternoons and eating pizza together as a family on Sunday nights. But wait! Now there’s activities scheduled on Sundays, too! What are we doing to ourselves? I’ve heard the criticism that we are involved in too many things. At the same time, my kids are not afraid to try new things and are learning how to interact with many different types of people in different settings.

One last thought: At the very start of flu season, I remember feeling stressed out about how busy I was and just wanted a break. So be it – God gave me sickness. Uh, thanks?!? Not enough to render me useless, but enough for me to lay on the couch for a day or two and not exert my body significantly. Ask and you shall receive!! Not exactly the vacation I wanted, but definitely what I needed.